Film Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
There are so many reasons why this film should not have been made. The Rule of Three suggests that a fourth will not work. The fact that the Last Crusade was released in the year I was born suggests that the world has moved on. And no film of any description with such comprehensivly poor dialogue should not make it beyond crumpled yellow paper.
Given the circumstances, nobody was expecting the film to work. But it did. It couldn’t be bad, because it wasn’t trying to be good. This is not an action film - it is an Indiana Jones film. Just as one watches the latest James Bond because it is a James Bond film, this film must be approached in context. It tries so hard to be an Indiana Jones film that it is almost self-parodying. And it’s no bad thing.
There is a stupid plot (this one far worse than the ludicrous Nazi seizure of the Ark of the Covenant), and pointlessly long and directionless action sequences. The score rises and falls in such textbook movie fashion that you know exactly when to expect the next thing that is meant to take you by surprise. The Russian accents are about as believable as Lowestoft-born Tim Westwood’s ghetto lingo. If you want a good action movie, stay at home. This is an Indiana Jones film: watch it with that in mind, and you will love it.
I wouldn’t want to spoil the vacuous plot line (and admittedly it is far too flimsy to be put into words). I will, however, touch on two (of many) moments which made me laugh out loud. The first is during Jones’ first dramatic escape from the clutches of death. A sequence already saturated with cliches climaxes as the archaeologist swings limply from a chain, mildly landing on a Star Trek-looking desk. Suddenly, from nowhere, a big red clock suddenly lights up, counting down from 30 seconds. The unashamed cheapness of it was amazingly funny. Minutes later, Jones finds himself in an atomic bomb testing site, and - who could imagine - a siren sounds. He leaps into a lead-lined refrigerator just as the blast whips through a model town, and the fridge is tossed through the air like Dr. Who’s Tardis. Jones spills out of the makeshift nuclear bunker and looks over his shoulder to see a mushroom cloud.
Every plot and sub-plot leaves the viewer in bewilderment. But the film is extremely well made, and has an air of fun about it. It is a good couple of hours, meant to be enjoyed not analysed. So I shall not begin to try. Instead, I suggest that you go to watch the film with an eye open for tongue-in-cheek moments, and then enjoy them.
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